Online Dating - How to avoid the feeling of Rejection.

Online Dating

So, you’ve decided to try online dating. You’ve been hesitant up to this point. But your friends keep telling you this is the way to go, particularly in these times when it seems almost impossible to meet someone under natural circumstances. Of course, the most common places to meet people would be through personal friends, work, and social events. These options have the potential to expand your reach and increase your odds. However, these options are not as reliable as they once were.

Now that you’ve made the decision to date online, you find yourself faced with the daunting task of setting up your profile. You want to put your best foot forward - as they say - and make the best possible impression. Therefore, you take your time to really think about who you are and what you’d like to say about yourself. Of course, some people will actually take the time to read your profile and some won’t.  However, you know that the one thing that everyone will notice about your profile is your photo. So, you search for your best pic.

You’ve laid the groundwork and now you’re ready to play the Online Dating Game. I refer to it as a game because in many ways it is. There are people out there who are only looking for fun and entertainment and there are others who have good intentions. It’s up to you to find out who’s who. You may be one that only uses the app for a month, get discouraged and quit. Or you may find yourself somewhat addicted to it even though you have not been successful with it.

Either way you may have found that the typical daily online dating experience is as follows:

1.     You get up in the morning and the first thing you do is check who has “liked” you.

2.     You then read the profiles of anyone you feel has potential and the others you reject.  You may even decide to be proactive and do a little searching of your own.

3.     You begin communication with those you have accepted in the hope of landing a date.

4.     You land a date and arrange a meeting place.

5.     You meet at the designated location. Your date is either successful or unsuccessful. If your date is unsuccessful - no problem, you move on. However, if you feel your date was successful, you will naturally expect your date to ask you out for a second date – and this is where the potential problem comes in.

The problem with online dating.

The problem with online dating or any kind of dating for that matter is that your expectations will not always be met. This is just the reality of the situation. So, what can be done about it?

When you are dealing with a situation that involves an action on another person’s part you are clearly not in control. Also, it is very important to note that at the initial stage of the dating process no investment or promise has been made. Therefore, you should not have any expectations.  So, it is best to put them on hold.

Putting your expectations on hold will help you to be more relaxed and less likely to feel rejected - should your date choose not to call again. This practice will not only give you a different approach to dating it will also help preserve your self-esteem.

For instance, let’s say you’re called for a second or third date. That’s great! However, if you’re not called for another date, so be it. Move on to the next prospect. Continue your search until a commitment or mutual agreement is established. If you feel that your date will never commit or delay his decision, don’t waste your time.

You have a right to expectations once a committed relationship has been established.

Once you have successfully connected with someone it is advised that you proceed with caution. I always say that the dating process is to be used as a time of investigation not just infatuation. Take the time to really get to know who this person is, ask questions, observe them in social settings and above all connect with their friends and family as soon as possible. Why? You need to have others vouch for the character of this individual. It will also give you an added layer of protection which will increase your comfort level and help you feel less like you’re dating a total stranger.

The 3 “C’s” of Dating

I’ve said this in other blog post and podcast but this bears repeating. Never date without the 3 C’s. What are the 3 C’s?

Communication

It’s very important that you’re able to effectively communicate with your date. If this isn’t possible the relationship will not be able to grow and flourish. 

Consideration

If you’re dating someone that doesn’t call when he says he will or makes promises he doesn’t keep – this is seen as a lack of consideration. A person who displays this behavior is unreliable and untrustworthy.

Consistency

Once you’ve settled into a routine in the relationship you expect things to naturally flow. For instance, if you’ve been receiving a phone call or text message every morning and this has been the routine for weeks it’s correct to assume the communication will continue in this manner. However, if the communication becomes sporadic or inconsistent – this is a problem. This problem can be due to a lack of interest or it could be due to a character flaw. Whatever it is – you can’t continue the relationship under these circumstances. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re doing all the work this is not good.

In conclusion I’d like to leave you with these tips.

Don’t invest your emotions in someone who has not made a commitment or investment in your life.

Don’t have expectations for someone who has not made a commitment or investment in your life.

Don’t feel rejected over someone who has not made a commitment or investment in your life.

I know this sounds very repetitive. But this is a point that needs to be made very clear.

What is an investment? An investment is not just monetary, there’s also the investment of time and emotions. No one has an endless resource of any of these things. Time is limited, money is limited and there’s only so many times the heart can be broken.

The dating game can be disappointing and there are no guarantees. However, you can keep yourself safe mentally and emotionally by simply applying these basic principles.